Here are more excerpts from my upcoming book CONFESSIONS OF A CHILDBIRTH EDUCATOR from Chapter 4: What Mothers want Women to Know Before Giving Birth. These are some segments on Labor & Delivery:
JP: I know it’s been said, and many women are posting on Instagram all the time now, but I strongly believe one of the most important things a woman can do before entering motherhood is to do her research and make an informed decision on all aspects of prenatal and postnatal care. I have seen hands-down that when women feel confident in the decisions they’re making for their labor and delivery, they have positive outcomes. And they enter motherhood stronger and more confident. I would tell all women to never make a decision based on the fact that your mother birthed one way, or their friends did it another way, or your doctor said so. Women have years of raising kids where they have to navigate so many choices and decisions. It begins with prenatal care, birth care, and postpartum care. I strongly believe women are better, stronger, wiser moms when they take their time in making the decision as to where and with whom to have their baby.
I think women should know that birth and delivery is something to celebrate and not something to fear. It makes me sad how many women are afraid of birth, afraid of hard things, and afraid of pain. I would encourage all women to look deep into what they’re afraid of and to deal with it before going into labor. It is a rite of passage, it is an opportunity to grow, and it is the most empowering experience for women.
I would also have liked to know that it’s OK if you’re disappointed by your birth experience. I had a transport situation and everyone kept telling me “At least your baby is OK.” My baby was never not okay. I was just frustrated that I had to transport and I needed the time to not be OK with birthing in the hospital. So I would want to tell moms that it’s OK if they’re disappointed, it’s OK if your birth didn’t go as you had planned or thought, without downplaying it.
Women do so much better in their postpartum if they can reconcile their birth experience and feel supported and seen through whatever happened.
Absolutely take some sort of course that helps you to understand the emotional and the physiological process of labor and delivery! Once you understand the process and what it might feel like, it helps you to prepare for the actual day. And for those first time mom’s – absolutely 100% hire a Doula! No matter how supportive your husband or your mom or your friend might be, if they’re not trained as a Doula you’re missing out on really wonderful care, tools, and support.
Doulas do not ruin intimacy or get in the way of you and your partner connection. A good doula facilitates a place for everyone and supports the couple. A great doula can read the room and see what is needed by the mom, by the partner, etc.
Pregnancy and motherhood can be beautiful, difficult, joyful, tearful, fulfilling, and lonely!
After the baby comes you will still need support. My hope is that all women have great friends to lean on. Women need women all through the motherhood journey.
After the baby arrives- take your time! If you bounce back quickly – great! But you don’t have to. Stay in your newborn bubble as long as possible. At least 2 weeks and up to 6 if you can. You will heal faster, bleed less, and your milk production will be better, which will lead to fewer issues with nursing. Anxiety and a lack of slowing down can lead to feeding issues and a lack of milk production which leads to many physical and emotional issues.
Slow down. Breathe. Nourish. Drink water and tea. Laugh. Cry. Slow walks. Slow living. Not forever, just this small season of healing and growing into mother.
SK: What I want you to know as a woman who is preparing to give birth, is that you, AS A WOMAN, have been gifted with a miraculously profound power, strength, and ability that is unique to your sex. I would also like you to know that you are embarking on a spiritual journey: MOTHERHOOD. Your body is going to do amazing things! Not only are you going to grow an entire human from the depths of your loins; you’re going to make food for that baby and deliver it with your breasts! You are going to understand yourself, your parents and the world in a whole new way. You are going to experience, probably for the first time in your life, what unconditional love feels like and you will try your best to reciprocate that love, but you will make mistakes. And that is fine. I want you know that the more self-aware and healthy you are, the better you will be at the monumental task of mom-dom.
As far as pregnancy, labor and delivery go, I want you to know that your beliefs about childbirth and stories you’ve heard will shape the outcome of your labor. Your decision to trust a person other than yourself MORE than yourself can be problematic. Pregnancy is the perfect time to listen to your body’s demands and intuitions and trust that YOU know what’s best. It will be hard because EVERYONE will have ideas about what you should do and why.
I highly recommend that you learn about the physiology, psychology, history, and mythology of childbirth and understand that unless you have a true medical complication that you are perfectly capable of delivering your baby without interventions. I hope you consider having a homebirth. All three of my babes were born at home and I can tell you that my birth stories are far more positive and pleasant than the majority of hospital birth stories I’ve heard.
I want you to know that due dates are not deadlines (it’s 40 weeks PLUS OR MINUS TWO WEEKS). I want you to know that birth is something your body does on its own and your baby is doing it with you.
I want you to know that childbirth is not “dangerous” for most women.
I want you to know that fear is not conducive to a smooth labor or delivery. It will absolutely derail any plan. Ditch the images and soundscapes of the sweaty, huffing and puffing woman in a hospital bed screaming, “WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEE???!!!” while squeezing her partner’s hand.
I wish you a wonderful pregnancy, labor, and birth!
P.S. Jana’s class was absolutely instrumental in my 3 homebirths!
HK:
Epidural vs. unmedicated birth
I didn’t realize I would be interested in an unmedicated birth until I was actually pregnant, then the thought wouldn’t leave me. Being pregnant was the most natural feeling I had ever had in my life, and made me realize there is some universal reason why giving birth causes “pain” – but you have to remind yourself its a natural pain, unlike a blunt injury or deep cut, etc – We are supposed to feel the pain of childbirth, for some reason – So, I challenged myself to at least try it, and began researching ways to cope with the expected pain. This led my husband and I to find Jana Wernor’s class, which set the foundation for my path to a natural childbirth. The lessons learned in her class were invaluable, and she gave me extra confidence that I was making the right decision, that natural childbirth should be the path that most people take (or at least attempt to take!), and modern medicine is there as a safety-net in case something does go in the wrong direction, which statistically is far less common than we realize. I always tell people who are pregnant and preparing for labor to “never let the fear in” during the labor process. There is nothing to fear, this is a beautiful journey and you will feel incredibly triumphant once you get through it. Even if you are “bad with pain” (which I thought I was too, btw) this is a different experience that is not meant to be scary. If you let the fear in, it will take over and you are stronger than that, you’re stronger than you can possibly imagine.
Partner’s role
My husband is a kind and sensitive person, so I knew pretty early on (while pregnant) that I would likely only want him in the room with me while laboring, and I was right, he was a perfect companion in the moment. He listened to my needs, kept me calm, fed me (bananas smothered in peanut butter and chia seeds, I’ll never forget that power-snack!), and never doubted I could carry on with my natural birth, just as I wanted. In fact he answered the nurses for me each time they asked, assertively “No she’s doing this with NO meds.” My husband actually found Jana’s birth class for us online, he proactively signed us up, which I loved. Even though we were pregnant during covid, we both really wanted to connect in-person with other couples who were exploring this path, and sitting behind a computer screen on zoom did not appeal to us. Going in-person to Jana’s lovely home was the best decision we made, and set us up for success when the big moment came.
Unexpected challenges
For me, the most unexpected challenge was “pushing” at the end of labor. I had focused my preparation so much on getting through the pain of contractions, that I did not pay as much attention to how to push until literally in-the-moment, through the coaching of my doctor, I had to focus on this. Push through your backside, like you’re going “number 2!” instead of pushing out the front. Unfortunately for my first child, I was lying on my back in the hospital bed at the point that I started pushing (I do not recommend this position!) and my doctor requested I stay in that position as he was concerned the baby’s head was getting stuck coming out. Two hours later, along with intense pushing, resting, pushing, resting… finally our baby boy emerged. But his head was misshapen from all the time he spent in my pelvic canal and he had to wear a cranial helmet from 6 mos-11 mos.
When I became pregnant for the second time, the one thing I swore I would do differently was “squat” while pushing instead of lying flat on my back. My doctor (a new one at this point) supported this idea but said she didn’t see too many women give birth this way… Well, I did it. No more than 15 mins after arriving at the hospital I was squatting my baby girl out with my knees on the bed facing on and gripping my husband’s shoulders. This position worked beautifully, felt completely natural, and my baby girl flew out after maybe 2 pushes.
Pain management (“What does it feel like?”)
The pain of labor is intense, of course, like the strongest, deepest period cramps you have ever had. The pain surges like waves in the ocean, becoming more and more intense, until it peaks and gradually passes…But before you know it, the next wave is coming. I found “hypno-birthing” breathing techniques extremely helpful during both of my labors (we stopped at two kids, but after the success of the second one I felt like I could do it over and over!). Hypno-birthing teaches you various types of breathing that you can use to help manage the pain of contractions, or while preparing to push the baby out. I practiced these breathing techniques for the last month of pregnancy, while listening to relaxing music, sometimes while in the hot tub (I also think this really helped relax my body and prepare me for labor), and I swear the breathing techniques also helped speed up the labor process. I experienced contractions for approximately 3 hours with both of my kids, and I believe the hypnotic breathwork really helped “open me up” faster. I labored at home for both experiences, and made it to the hospital when I was dilated at around 8 both times. My contractions at home very quickly escalated from 10 mins apart, to 7 mins, 5 mins, 3 mins, to 1 min…To the point that we almost did not make it to the hospital in time with my daughter (my second). If I did it all over again, I would prefer to just labor at home with a midwife.
The most valuable thing I read and kept telling myself while dealing with each contraction was “anyone can deal with 1 minute of pain” (from the class) and its true. It was also helpful to count during each contraction, because once you get to approx. 30 seconds, you can tell yourself the worst of it is over and pain will be subsiding, relief! Just continue that slow and deep breath-work, over and over again, and before you know it, that minute is over.